why are you so quiet?

i remember family members (usually aunts or stepmothers) always asking me "why are you so quiet?" when we gathered for holidays or other occassions. at the time (and perhaps even now) i didn't have an answer for them. i couldn't tell them "um, i don't feel like being here right now" or "my thoughts are consumed with leaving this world." - that would be rude. but i find it interesting that my more extroverted, demonstrative relatives were never asked "why are you so loud and boisterous?"

depending on your circumstance or mood, the world seems to be many things. but for the depressed, the world simply seems daunting. panic attacks, anxiety, self-doubt all contribute to this feeling that there's no need to get out of bed.

as diseases go, it doesn't seem as life-threatening as cancer or heart disease, but depression wreaks havoc on the body in the form of stress, poor diet, lack of exercise and inattentiveness to any oncoming illness.

i don't remember the first time the word 'depression' was mentioned, but i do remember the first time i felt completley alone and frightened. i was maybe 8 years old and i was certain that my parents weren't ever coming back for my brother and i. they were gone for probably 20 minutes. abandonment issues aside, i was constantly worried about things no child should have be concerned with; things like not having enough food or running out of money.
they seemed like reasonable concerns to me, but after having spoken with other friends about this, it seems i was a bit overwrought throughout my childhood.

being sensitive to other people's suffering was a constant source of worry as well. but this sensitivity proved helpful when it came to playing music. intuition became married to forethought, which carried through to ability and caring about each musical situation. this made deciphering what a song or performance needed easier, but also came with its own price tag in the form of a debilitating sense of self-conciousness.

still, there seems to be hope for depression sufferers through therapy and drugs. the acknowledgement and accceptance of a disease is usually the first step towards recovery for any type of illness but unfortunately, depression seems to trigger no warning bells; it's an insidious type of destructiveness that worms it's way inside out. passive aggression, inconsideration and frustration with petty issues lead to self-abuse of a different nature and alcohol and drugs simply obfuscate the truth of the matter, which is that chemically, the depressed person's brain needs help.

it's a long road to becoming a healthier, happier person. but to stay along the same worn path that depression takes is even longer. i hope that if you're reading this and any of this seems familiar that you try to seek out some help. but for the autodidact, it is quite unraveling to realize that for once, you're going to need some assistance.

another day, another chance

"the secret to happiness does not lie in doing what one likes, but learning to like what one has to do."

i saw this quote this weekend while not sleeping and reading a book by mick brown called 'the spiritual tourist'.

i feel quite lucky to have been chosen by music at what seemed like my birth. music was something that came easily to me as a child, and quickly gave me a sense of self-worth that was badly needed as an adolescent and as a young adult. but i made many life choices that would facilitate a life devoted to music (a low overhead being the biggest choice) and i had to learn how to navigate the many other skills needed to play music professionally.

there are still some parts of this job that i don't care for: accounting and promotion for example. but i've learned to enjoy certain aspects of this kind of work: it's a challenge to keep track of all my income and expenses (and of course a huge surprise to see i made any money at all). and it's always a nice treat when you have a good turnout at a performance because you actually let people know about it.

but music, just like other creative endeavors, gives one a glimpse of something that is much larger than ourselves. and much like those whose beliefs are based on faith and religion, the world of art reminds us of the enormity of the universe and how small and inconsequential our work can seem. but i believe this to be another important aspect of creating a happy life - that from this humbling discovery we can find and build upon our uniqueness, if we're up for the challenge.

and despite such daunting odds, there is still hope in creating something beautiful to share with the world by simply being our (humbled) selves. there are many more days left to this year, to this life, but i know for certain each day will show me something i've never seen before and from that tiny bit of information i'll try and cull something else out of the guitar and my voice and some words and hopefully it will result in something lasting and inspiring.

and if not, well, tomorrow is another day, another chance to try again. happiness, for me, seems to lie in this quest. i was just lucky music and i found each other.